On Halloween

I fucking love Halloween man. I know, the eight pounds of eyeliner didn’t tip you off right? Shut up. It’s the only time of year that you can walk around in fuzzy bear onesies without people assuming it’s an expression of some sexual perversion. I’m childish y’all, not kinky. I just want to get to a place in my life where I can consistently find myself in a kigurumi at in the afternoon without explaining myself.

 

The only way forward is robots. I need a robot butler to insulate me from the public so I can lounge around shamelessly drinking wine in a full body bear suit.

 

Speaking of robots, how early is too early to start pretending you’re out in public in a costume because you’re just grocery shopping for a party? Asking for a friend.

 

Shirt World

My husband and I have been bickering this week. We’ve both been irritable and were fussing at one another about what sort of lamp we should purchase when he suddenly proclaimed ‘That’s it‘ and pulled his head inside of his shirt like some sort of bipedal turtle.

You have been summoned to Shirt World‘ he called solemnly, pointing towards the now-empty neck of his T-shirt. He stepped forward and slid the fabric over my head so we were both inside. Laughing, I asked him what the fuck he was doing.

In Shirt World our love lasts forever‘ he sang in a lilting falsetto, batting his eyelashes until he decided he’d made up enough ground in the argument to get his way.¬† And now I have an ugly lamp that makes me smile. Touch√© Steves.